The election of 2000 will go into the annals of CNN history and consequently, it will also go down in the the pages of American history. Bush beats Gore. Gore beats Bush. Bush and Gore beat Nader. Nader beats Buchanan. Gore, Bush, Nader, and Buchanan beat themselves.

It appears as if the Presidential Election of 2000 has ended in a tie. If it is not a tie, it looks as if it is close enough to a tie that we may call it one. First the country needs to agree that the Gore and Bush race has ended in a draw. Second, the country needs to "white-out" (or probably more correctly, "yellow-out") the 12th Amendment of the Constitution that would empower Congress to make the call. I would like to offer the other 5 possible alternatives to allowing Congress to pick the President in the case of a tie:

1. A Race War: I guess this is the obvious option, but I am also afraid that might get overlooked because it is so sensible and evident. The details of this type of event could be worked out later and with little difficultly. For those who prefer the politically correct terminology, we would call it an Ethnicity War.

2. An Arm Wrestling Match: There are many benefits to the Arm Wrestling approach, not least of which it that it might encourage the release of Stallone's "Over the Top" on DVD, with special audio commentary by "Captain Lou" Albano.

3. A Dissolving of the Union: Maybe 2000 or 3000 autonomous countries might make more sense than one oversized, unmanagble country. Think of the benefits. This solution could also turn the Miss Universe Pageant into a month-long event and the Olympics into a year-round spectacular.

4. A Re-vote: On second thought, I apologize for even mentioning this idea. It is so ridiculous, I am sorry to drag down the standards that the readers of pindeldyboz have come to expect.

5. A Fair Game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.: As children, the game of Rock, Paper, Scissors was always employed to solve disputes and draws. Maybe what the country needs is a little more adolescent boy common sense right about now. (If you do not know what Rock, Scissors Paper is, stop reading this article, this column, and this website). The Presidency could be decided by a best of three game of RSP between the two top candidates: Gore and Bush.

Of all of these options, I would prefer the last one. Rock, Paper, Scissors is fun, fair, and a part of the American Experience. If the American public and government chose this just method, I would like to suggest the following:

-Television stations could not broadcast the best of three series. It would occur behind closed doors in historical Colonial Williamsburg, Virginia (In the spirit of bi-partisan politics and American ideals of freedom, Williamsburg is the suitable choice) Only NPR would be allowed to air an audiocast of the event. This will help prevent the election and the nation from becoming a global laughingstock. As a further preventative measure, the event would be hosted and refereed by Paul Auster or one of his descendants.

-Each candidate must wear one of those three-pointed Revolutionary-times hats. They must also wear ruffled shirts, knickers, and no shoes (For same reasons as mentioned above).

-Each candidate throws down on 'shoot,' not on 'scissors' (i.e. "rock, paper scissors...shoot!").

-If either candidate flinches at any point during the event, he will receive two punches on the shoulder from the other candidate.

-After the event, the two candidates and the entire Congress will enjoy an entire day of bi-partisan fun at Busch Gardens, completely payed for by the American taxpayers. (Television networks would be allowed to broadcast this aspect of the event.)

What America needs to solve this dilemma is the sensible judgement characteristic of adolescence. The truth is before our eyes, we need only to reach out and seize it. America will prevail through these murky times.

By the way, I believe that Rock, Scissors, Paper between Gore and Bush play out like this

Winner- Gore

Loser- Bush

But, we would all be winners, because we would still have America, Paul Auster, and historic Williamsburg.